I always had a bad history of being friends with people who tend to screw me. My entire life, I thought this was my problem, that something was wrong with me- being the common denominator and all. I admit, I am too nice and I eventually figured out later this was the very reason I ended up being screwed by people. I was used for money, car, and even emotional support. The only reciprocity I received was betrayal, lies, and abandonment. This has led to the diminishing of my self-worth and eventually, depression. After 30 years, I finally broke down to my core. I got rid of all the bad associations and the toxic people in my life. It was a difficult endeavor, both bitter and sweet. I severed year long (so called) “friendships” and relationships. I was fed up with being used and emotionally abused. Most these relationships I mentioned are with my female relationships. I’m not going into details but my grievances are always the same: jealousy. I refused to believe this, afraid of sounding narcissistic – but it’s the only explanation that makes logical sense.
When I turned 31 years, I finally realized this truth, yes, part of it is my fault (I needed better discernment skills)- but I was fed up with being used; and “giving” without getting any form of reciprocation. After my breakdown, I truly realized what “true” friends mean and that they are the most “rare” of all gems. It sounds easy and you might think “duh.” I thought the same way when I thought I had true friends. I also realized that I give people too much of the benefit of the doubt and this “kind” gesture is what really fucked me over. I also had to learn when to “give up” on people. Perhaps, that’s the most important thing of all.
I always prided myself as a refuge for birds with broken wings. A person who they can turn to and not judge them; someone who tries to understand what they are going through; someone who reaches a compassionate hand and help ease their pain. I’ve done some Mother Teresa shit, but I ‘m tired of being a martyr. I know now, I did not deserve to be treated so badly; especially when I’ve been so kind, loyal, and compassionate. Therefore, I severed all my ties to those female friends. I want to emphasize “female,” because my male friends NEVER betrayed me. For some reason, men know and understand what loyalty truly is.
After 31 years old, I ascended into a new territory into a person that doesn’t take shit. But I wasn’t perfect. Being human, I still craved friendship, the sisterhood. Besides, I can’t judge all females from what the others have done to me, right?
So I let my guard down despite my suspicions (bad idea). At first, Jasmin is a friendly girl whom I was really attracted to as a friend. When we first met, we shared the common goofiness and fun loving personality. She came to me with low self esteem, having been in a bad relationship where she allowed her boyfriend to have sexual relations with other women, while she stayed on the side. The magnitude of her insecurity was paramount. She was attracted to me because I helped her love herself. I don’t like to brag, but being my friend, grants you that gift. I can see people’s pain and I can also grant them the ability to heal. She and I became really good friends.Our days were spent with laughter and fun – the kind of fun that I missed out in my early 20s because I was too socially awkward to make friends. Having her as a friend, filled that empty void.
However, despite the happiness she brought into my life, there are also some apprehensions. She talked bad about her previous so called “best friend” a LOT. This made me apprehensive because wisdom says “never trust those who speak ill of other people because they will most likely speak ill of you to other people.”
I was also apprehensive because of our age difference, she is 15 years younger than I am and there are many areas where she is still immature. She would steer conversations to “herself.” I really don’t mind because she’s quite entertaining. She would always make claims on how she is better than her ex BFF, like how she can climax more than once and her ex BFF can’t. It’s petty and her constant need to prove that she’s better than her ex BFF was disparaging. But I grew to love the girl, so I made a lot of allowances (fell back into my old ways).
All relationships become tested and it took 2 years for us. I started sensing her quietly despising me. She’s in an unhappy relationship because her boyfriend of 10 years has not proposed. I reassured her that I will be there for her no matter what, but that meant nothing. She asked how my husband proposed and with “much reservation” I told her that my husband gave me an ultimatum to marry him when we were together for 7 years.
I know for a fact that this is what triggered her resentment.
I “made” her feel inadequate because I didn’t have to beg my husband to marry me. This is what went through her head.
“People will hear things in the way that they want it interpreted.”
Although, I meant no malice when she asked me about my own proposal, she twisted it into something else.
Had she come to me about this, I would have given her the assurance and love she needed to get over it, but I speculate, that would be a disservice to her ego. Doing that would admit that she thought I am superior to her. Instead, she protects that ego and to feel better about herself, she had to assert how much she is better than I am. She would hide it between her comments and her jokes, and that’s when I knew our relationship was falling apart. I tried to keep the relationship but she didn’t want to. It was over and I let it go.
It’s very hard for me to admit but this became the very same story of every female relationship I had in the past, and I am very disappointed.
I know that the problem is with her insecurities. She did not feel good about herself, therefore she did not want to be around people that feel secure because it made her feel inadequate. She was comparing herself to me – like the many women I met before her.
I know women hate me because I refuse to put myself down. What right do I have to feel secure? They are more attractive, therefore I should be jealous of them. I should feel insecure in their presence and that they should NOT feel inadequate in mine.
Having a strong sense of self comes across as arrogance (at least that’s my experience) to other women. Therefore, I can’t feel self-assured without being seen as an arrogant bitch.
There is a silent code that women must not assert, or show, how secure they are because it makes the insecure women feel inadequate.
I think it’s bullshit and I refuse to submit to this credence. When someone compliments my hair I say “thank you.”
I refuse to conform to the female etiquette by saying, “oh thank you BUT your hair is better.” Lift people up but you must put yourself down is not being “humble.” It’s perpetuates low self esteem and the mindset of not being good enough.
It is not in my control if someone think I am better than they are – that’s their problem. I know that I don’t feel superior to anyone or try make anyone feel less about themselves. All I know is that I truly love myself and I believe others should love themselves too.
I conclude, female friendships will not work for me unless they can truly love themselves. Otherwise, comparing themselves to me (or other people), breed envy; envy breeds jealousy and jealousy is the arsenic that kills a relationship in a slow and painful manner.
I truly wish that women can truly love themselves because maybe then we can have a united sisterhood that will be the advent towards peace .
In the meantime, female friends suck!
(I know I am not alone, many women out there can agree with this experience, this post is for you.)